Tuesday, May 3, 2011

WAIT'LL 'ABNER' HEARS ABOUT THIS!!

We could not get anything out to you earlier. It was rough around here for a while. wilkravitz couldn't type nothing. He was helping. The elves were helping. Everybody was screamin,. The cops almost came. Can you imagine, cops, here? Jesus Christ (Who I've had the pleasure of meeting at a banquet or two), that's all we need!

This is what happened. It was pitch dark. She was out back. She was all alone. Then she starts screamin'. She yells - Help! Rape! Murder! Murder!.Help me! God help me! Help me!!! Only nobody was home here. Even the elves and cherubs were out flyin' 'round somewhere. Like pixies, they flit. You know how they go. But Evelyn, the bitch next door, the one that gives her kid shitty pizza, is out back a her house with them three turd factories she's got. Big monsters, huge, they slobber all over. They got this low rumbling bark. Worse than thunder it is. Saint Bernards, that's it! They're Saint Bernards.

So they come crashing through the hedge. Why not? She llets 'em crap over here anyway. All bellowin' and you know how their dog-lips flap all over? But the funny thing is they ain't even scared. Johnny Jump Up was out there! And we  don't even know what he is. Not for sure anyway. But to those horses he was just some funny thing that needed a little killin'. That's all. Simple. They dive right in. And we are talkin' about sixhundred and seventyfive pounds of dog flesh here. You know, momentum gotta count for something.

Then there was this big 'wuff.' That came outta Johnny. I saw him arc right up into the air. Don't know iif he jumped away, to like, you know, escape, or if the dogs did it. But those fat slob dogs are surprisingly light on their feet. And they rocket right after him. Two of 'em got him pinned up against this big, old tree. Everybody thrashin' around and thrashin' around. The third one (I always knew that one was a real killer) jumps up and locks its maw 'round his skinny throat. The neck too! The neck too! The whole clammy thing was in its mouth.  And its bitin'. And it's growlin. The other two are chompin' away at his legs. You know, givin' him the same as he was givin' Edith.

Big, phoney Evelyn comes runnin' over yellin' - What's a matter!? What's goin' on!? Who's screamin'? Oh, my God!  Oh, my God!.....She spots Edith, who's tryin' to sit up and steady herself. Only Edith is about to pass out, 'cause her leg is just gushing blood. I will say this though, that next door bitch did whip off her sweater and use it to hold back some of the blood. I gotta  give her credit  for that.

But then something really, really major happened. If they made a move outta it, they couldn't do better with CGI. The main dog, the killer dog bites Johnny's head off.  No, he does.It goes 'POP,' and flies right into the  bushes. The three beasts jump back real fast, as if to say - That ain't supposed to happen. So quick, like a bullet, like a jack rabbit or something, Johnny Jump Up's body goes skittering into the bushes, palms that nasty head (the teeth were still snapping)  tucks it up against his boney chest like a wide receiver and leaps  off through the trees.

I think Evelyn saw it. It was dark out there and I can't be sure. But I think so. Now you know she keeps little flasks of Jack hid all over that house a hers. So I'm hopin' she writes it all off as just another 'episode' or something. Anyway, Papa was back by then. He comes runnin out. Takes control real fast. Evelyn only wants to call 911. But Papa won't let her. You know that. Good thing she got the 'hots' for him. Edith is somewhat, partially back alive. She starts mumbling - I'm Ok. I'm OK. So Papa picks her up, carries her into the house, leans over and gives Evelyn a big wet one just as they're about to go inside. You know, like to thank her for bein' such a help. Think her knees almost buckled. But at least it made her forget about calling the cops and all. So she claps her hands  (I hate the way she does that) and rounds up the three monsters. They go home and that's it. Still didn't shit.

But don't get me wrong. Edith would have died. Only Papa gave her a little vampire style Gray's Anatomy magic. Laid her out on the leather sectional in the 'family room.' Bit into his finger to make it bleed. Shoved it down her throat. She starts suckin. And five minutes latter, leg is mostly all healed. Edith wants a glass  a cherry soda. wilkravitz comes in and mops up the blood. You know with good leather you can do that. You get what you pay for. A  couple elves start straightening up outside........And Johnny Jump Up? Who the hell knows?.....Only thing is...Evelyn starts makin' phone calls. You know Gladys Kravitz? No, she ain't related to wilkravitz! I'm talkin' 'bout the nosey neighbor woman on that 'Bewitched.' show.. Well, seems like we got one too.............

No comments: