Sunday, October 23, 2011

BITTEN OFF HAMMER TOES AND STOLEN FLINTSTONES COLORING BOOKS

Edith is sitting in the kitchen playing solitare. I'm sitting on the floor by the cocktail table in the family room typing this out. Please don't pick apart my clerical skills. I'm having a hard time finding the right keys tonight, because I feel a little queasy. Sarah wanted to give me a few drops (vampire blood) before she left. Funny, I kept to myself. I tried to avoid them. You know they can be dangerous at times. Not usually, but you never know. Still, she sensed it. She took a vial out of her purse and left it on the island in the kitchen. When I went in there, Edith said - That's for you. Take it. You'll feel better.........But I didn't take it. Maybe if they weren't so deep into their 'We're dangerous predators. Be careful' mode I would have. But I'm a human bean, thank you. And for the forseeable future, I'd like to mostly remain one. Besides, Tums work almost as good. Well, maybe fifteen percent as good.

The TV is on. Some women are fixing up a house. Edith likes those shows. Actually, they all do, the vampires most of all. Very anal, that race is. Neatly squared off rooms mean a lot. The fastidiousness of  Dracula. I guess it comes from commiting so many gruesome, bloody murders. Order at home. Chaos out on the streets. But I have to say...this place looks great. The floors have a rich, woddy gleam. The upholstered pieces have carefully stiitched welting in all the right places. Thick, fringed wool rugs anchor seating areas. The library looks just like a library should look. I'm telling you, a United States Senator, or like a cabinet secretary could live here. More slabs a granite in the kitchen and bathrooms than in a small church yard. And if something breaks, the Red Paint guys just whip out their tools and make it all better. We think one of them is about ninety two. The other one maybe three years younger. They got a rough 'I ain't young, but I'm still strong' look...like old farmers. And they're good in the garden too. We got pumpkins, gourds and dried cornstalks comin' out the wazoo. Looks like Martha Stewart went tastefully berserk all over the front of this  house. You should see it. They even put these little painted pumpkins with fall color plaid ribbons on their stalks 'round the edge of the sub-terranean pit. I don't know if the naked slave girls can appreciate it from their vantage point, but the rest of us think it looks real nice.

Annie's still out bitinng off toes somewhere. The elves and cherubs are off getting into mischief. I don't know if they're gonna actually drain anybody to the point of death tonight. They RARELY do that, but seeing how the bigger life-eaters been acting, who the hell knows. Juveniles are extreemly impressionable. Lemme go ask Edith if she can key in on out two sweetie-pies, Jonathon and Sarah, I mean. We KNOW where Papa is. He's playing hide the salami with a couple Mole girls. That's his favorite game. Loves being immortal. cause it give him more time to hide more salamis.

Edith puts down the cards, some deck that Baylah got her from the Borgata's Poker room. Then she clicks off the TV, takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. The house is quiet. I can hear the tick, tick, tick of the tall case clock (grandfather clock) in the living room. The lights are low (we got these really easy to modulate pot lights in the kitchen--- got the idea from Candace Olson on HGTV --- the Red Paint guys put 'em in). She breathing like a fortune teller....... I say - Well?.......She just keeps on breathing and ignores me......Then she makes this little fart (squirms around, so I'd think it was the chair, but I know it wasn't no chair) and starts to talk. (I guess releaseing small poofs of methane is part of the ritual). She says --- Two will die, a man and wife. The second quite deserved her life. (Then a few heartbeats of silence) The killers then ran out to play. Two more will die before the day......... Where is this all happening? - I ask............And she continues - A hall where fat girls go to sing. And near a statue of a king.......................So I go back into the family room and google halls, fat girls, singing, Philadelphia. A few seconds later the screen lights up with a list of Center City opera venues. Then I google statues of kings in Philadelphia and get a list with everything from a life sized Elvis somewhere on South Street (where all the hippies meet) to a bust of M.L.K. up in North Philly. ........... What else is new? Then they'll come home all guilt ridden (like they always do when they don't stick to people sent to them in visions.... true evil doers, I mean), start slamming doors, giving everybody dirty looks, torturing the naked slave girls and making a holy mess. Lucky we got Edith and the Red Paint guys. Thank God foor them. shit, my stomach's starting to hurt again. Where's that vial? Edith reads my brain and takes it out of her sweater pocket. Then she slides it across the polished granite surface. I grab it, pull out the tight, little stopper and chug it down. Then I go all bleary eyed. She starts laughing like the crazy, back woods Piney woman that she is. I give out a little burp and everything's all right. Even my eyesight gets a little better. And I don't know why, but I can remember Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Oughta sell this crap to S.A.T. kids. Can you imagine what a whole gut full a this stuff is like? Soldiers should take it. They are trying to come up with an artificial version at that secret installation outside Jerusalem. If  you've been with us for a while, you know that.

Then I hear something. Two seconds later Annie comes sublimating in through the kitchen window (we got this real big architectural one), throws a few grungy, bitten off , old people's hammer toes, along with a Flintstones Halloween Coloring Book she boosted, onto the counter, where she proceeds to do a fake tap dance, while she pulls her skirt up over her head.

Such is life in our enchanted universe. I know you wanted to see the vampires kill somebody, especially after what you read last night, but you gotta remember. You gotta understand. We do not control this. And if  you go back to the first lines of the first episode that ever channeled through, you know that.......'cause right there it says ------- FIRST OF ALL WE MUST AGREE THAT WHAT COMES NEXT IS FICTION.........only the right word wasn't agree. It was pretend. So don't blame this on me. OK?

Fantasy is one thing. Reality is something else.
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NITEY-NITE

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