Tuesday, February 10, 2015


I don't let 'em put no name on this til after we done, 'cause how you know where a river gonna go til it get there. So you gotta know the name you see went up after we finished. It is only honest for me to tell you that. Jus' incase tou don't recall the cadence of my speech, I am Old Mister Never-You-Mind... one a them disembodied spirits that tell this tale... "Narrate' the term they use. Well, I one a them... a narrator. Some nights we don't announce who doing the talkin'. But we always here. Any big headed son a bitch what tell you he write a book, a liar, 'cause all he do is tap it out, if he got a keyboard, or scratch it out if he got a pencil... maybe some yellow, legal pads too, so I've been told. He a secretary. Some other soul do all the thinkin'. That how God set it up. He go - OK, you see it. You say it. You write it. You read it..... And all them 'yous' is mostly different people, 'case you can't tell.

We got lot a books born where I come from. Hatch 'em out like turtle eggs, or tadpoles. I am an old, dead Creole-Cajun 'gentlemen.' Lot a you know me. Lot a you don't. Got myself burned up by gangster-men. Tie me to a chair. Dowse me wit' gasoline and light me up. Wheee! Everybody laughin' an' clappin'... doin' them Spanish foot stompin' dances... I screamin' and screamin'... Them what say fire burnin' pain go way after first layer a nerves die is a lyin' bastid... 'cause under first nerves is more nerves what go all the way down to the bone. Plus burnt up pee-pee parts don't tickle none either. 

Look. lemme switch gears here an' tell you what went on in that townhouse. 

Jonathon come down holdin' his right eye. He go - Shit! I can't see! ... Sarah (she his wife) help him sit down on a sofa..... Edith (she the witchy-woman housekeeper) run in and go - What you mean? Vampire ain't supposed a go blind! ..... He shakin'. He scared..... Sarah go - Get him some vodka.... Jonathon go - NO! I don't need no liquor! Lemme be! Lemme be!....Please excuse me talkin' in my own voice, but that how I do..... So he just sit there, holdin' his hand over his eye an' rockin' back and forth real fast..... Broken, old, wax, monster, Groucho Marx lookin' thing still set across from sofa on another chair. Nobody pay it no mind. Figure that entity bastid ain't in it yet.... But they wrong.... Lights flicker. Not just in den, but all over the house. An' gas fireplace whoosh on.... Then it start makin' faces. Big fat, red, wet human tongue start pokin' out a cracked, wax mouth. From nowhere, Edith's hair goes up in flames. Can't even see her face. She starts screamin'! They jump up. Sarah grabs a pot. Fills it with water. Billy races down from his cozy, little room under the eaves. Then eight heartbeats later it's over. Ain't no fire. Edith ain't even burned. Red tongue gone too. Everybody shakin' an' cryin.' Sarah spill all the water back in the sink. 

Thing in the chair go - You assholes better set down and shut up! (only it use different words). I can't change nothin.' I can't manipulate matter. But I do 'mind whisper' real good. (looks at Jonathon) Get that hand away from your eye, you big dumb nut. You not blind. (Jonathon blinks, sighs and complies.) Now pay attention! Y'all gone help me. Y'all gone get me all fixed up. I will have that body. Don't cross me, or I will f#ck you up. I have made whole planets, bushel baskets full, piss theyselves and die, 'cause they see a big scary, two mile high tidal wave loom over the horizon. 'Cloud kissers,' they call 'em. You know what it feel like gettin' smashed underneath all that water? You wanna know?.... They shake their heads... The entity continues - An' when I stop and go 'OK, party's over,' they still dead. Don't make no difference where they be. Everybody see the water, an' that a horrible thing. But it not real. All just a optical delusion. That what I can do. An' don't think I ain't got dreams what can can finish off vampire too. Y'all wanna be forever in the gut of a giant cockroach? Lemme know. Edith!...... Housekeeper go - Y-y-yes?..... Thing go - Get them assholes some a that alcohol y'all drink 'round here. I want 'em real calm when we make our plans....

Then it look at that Billy guy what set this blog thing up for 'em. Glass eyes lock on real good. He make like he don't notice, but he do...

An' Edith give him a drink too....

<more next time>


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