Monday, July 27, 2015

Introducing The HOMICIDE WANDERERS ... 7/27/15

Ca-Ca's mother sat in a big, old, ripped, vinyl reclining chair.... I think King Tut used it for a throne. The brown, burlap seat must of had like thirty five thousand farts in it... dog piss too, probably Ca-Ca's mother's piss too. She watch the same free TV shows every day.... Rachel Ray, The View, the local news, Meredith Viera. Steve Harvey and Ellen... No wait, she didn't watch The View. She watched The Price Is Right. She wants to spin the wheel. She wants to win a brand new, fully equipped Ford Focus. But she never will, 'cause they won't let her wheel that putrid reclining chair up on stage.

Ca-Ca buys her corned beef sandwiches from Arby's... good ones... big ones with extra meat. She used to buy her ham sandwiches. But then she learned one of the reasons pork's not kosher is because it looks and tastes exactly like human flesh. Although I don't know where you're supposed to go for Barbecued Honey Lady Ass. I asked the delicatessen guy at ShopRite once. He told me to drop dead and go to hell. Then he sold me a half pound of American cheese. I keyed his car in the parking lot. Saw him go in to work once. That's how I know. 

My name is Shit Head. But that's just a nickname. My real name is Timothy. Once me and Lester Watson lit a little hibachi out back of his house. It was the black, wrought iron kind they give you for sitting through a ninety minute 'buy this God damned, fucking time-share, you cheap, ugly bastid' speech. Lester's mother thought she was gonna get a mink jacket. But when she asked the guy, he lungered right in her face. I think she tasted a little bit of it. The boss came over and gave her two hibachis to make up for it and a midget salami for each one, to like slice up and barbecue. We used the second one. Lester had an aquarium with little newts or salamanders or whatever it is they called themselves, in it. Half a them were dead in the stinkin' green water anyway. But half were still living. Those are the ones we killed. Poked 'em right in through the heavy grate. Used chopsticks, 'cause it was a hibachi and all. They held on with their wet, little arms, but eventually we got 'em in. Coals were real hot too, all white and powdery. They curled up and bounced... the salamanders, I mean. Smelled like shrimp. Skin split. Steam came out. They looked crispy, but we didn't eat 'em, 'cause Lester said they were related to frogs and once at the all you can eat imitation Chinese buffet he ate a frog's leg and threw up on Mrs. Tuffinetti. She died two days later. He was positive the vomit did it. But I think it was because she got hit by a bus. Eleven days later Lester got hit by a bus too... not 'hit' actually... run over... His head went POP. First there was a sharp CRACK, then a pop. Pigeons swarmed in to eat his brains.

That's when I got real friendly with Ca-Ca. He was her brother. We were like ten years old. I was closer to nine. She was closer to eleven and she missed her brother real bad. Said we had to kill that bus driver and kids could do it, 'cause who's watchin' kids? So we sat on a bench at the place where the bus turns around at the end of the route and we waited. Two ladies even smiled at us. We smiled back, 'cause like you gotta be friendly.

Friendly people got all kinds a weapons. Hell, kids got weapons right in their book bags... 

Come back tomorrow and I'll tell you. Shit, your kids prob'ly got 'em too...

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