vampire wonderland: TWO VAMPIRES IN 'FLIP-FLOPS'

vampire wonderland: TWO VAMPIRES IN 'FLIP-FLOPS': "Here's another little peek into the pages of LA CIENCIA VAMPIRISMO, an ancient tome, much prized by vampires and other students of arcane fo..."

vampire wonderland: OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE

vampire wonderland: OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE: "this is annie talking. dont pay no mind to how I type this all out. remember, I am only six human years and most of 1 vampire years old. so ..."

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A BABE

this is annie talking. dont pay no mind to how I type this all out. remember, I am only six human years and most of 1 vampire years old. so if you dont like it, I'll kick you right in half your ass. you get to pick which cheek. I am not too bossy that way.  wilkravitz does not know where his laptop went. but he's busy watching THE VOICE on telebizon, so he wont know for a while, at least not till after that show with the four crzy guys trying to become movie stars in californya. you know, the onne with that kid who looks like  a skinnier, frizzy haired version of Jonathon. I'm sittin out back, on the kitchen patio, right where Edith had her run in with that Johnny Jump Up thingie. It's cool now. the rain stopped. thin little storybook clouds skate across the fat face of an almost filled moon. I like nights like this. I could fall asleep out here. And I have done it too. the elves and cherubs wake me up before dawn. Luna (she IS supposed to be like my step-mother) never does. I think she wants me to die. I really do. God knows where she is. I hope a giant spider or like some nazi scientist pervert bastids got her. I hope they kill her up real bad. maybe she already is dead. that's what I pray for, you know. but GOD tells me not to be that way. He sounds just like that 'boy' teacher they had at my (human) pre-school. I can remember some a that. the sand box was fun. and I think I used to like chocolate chip cookies. I had these barbie sneakers that were pretty good too.

I'm gonna try to read your minds and tell you stuff about the future. I like when Edith does it. She's at a church bingo tonight. and afterwards she stops for sticky-bun and coffee  at some diner place. She brings me back a whole lot a 'minty fresh' tooth picks and gives em to me. I use em to spear these big, shiny, roachie bugs down in the sub-basement. their stringy legs go jiggle-jiggle-jiggle...and then they just die I guess. I liked watchin the Phillies tonight. Cole Hamils was the pitcher. I like him cause he looks just like my favorite Ken doll. Sometimes I pop his head off and jam it down on this little My-Little-Pony rubber thing I got.

OK, here goes. I am seein stuff in my head now......Tell Gina and her boyfriennd Lucky that they are gonna have a new baby. I think it  is gonna be a boy or a girl. And that Spanish guy down the street want to but the truck, so things shnould work out real good. they live in new York city I think, because I see them eatin corn beef sandwiches and pizza with the statue of liberty. she chews her food  up real good for a big metal thing. I like that.

Sally's mom found a girl's wallet in the toilet at some pancake house. It had a lot of monies in it. big monies. two of em had Doctor Franklin's pitcher on em. I gotta ask him how he got em to stamp his face on all the monies. maybe they can do that for my birthday? Sally's mom was gonna give the money and all to the lady who lost it (her name was inside). but she changed her mind and bought a new set a patio furniture and three pairs of fancy-lady-tittie-cuppers instead. But she is ashamed to go into that pancake house on account a the money belonged to one of the waittresses. this is some where near where Oprah lives, I think. Cause every time I see the sky, a lot a the clouds look like Oprah's face, and I figure she could do that if she wanyed to.

Two earthquakes are gonna jumble stuff up in a place that looks like India. I think it is india cause the ladies all have fancy kerchiefs tied around their hair so nobody who is a man can look at it. they are not playing hide-and-seek under these movable tents like ladies in somme countries. they have a lot of pretty bracelets. I think the earthquake will come later in the summer, like on july 25th or august 25th. the president is gonna talk about it. you will see him on tv and he dont look  too happy.

A girl in South america is gonna have this little two-headed baby. Both a the baby's heads smile a lot. one looks snart, the other looks dumb. I call em smarty and dumbie. the mom and her family want em to be big celebrities, like the people on E TV, so they are gonna rent em out to a circus or something. Too bad Michael Jackson is mostly dead, or he could a bought em. I would like it if Papa would but em for me. but he will say NO. He will say NO real loud.

Jonathon and Sarah are gonna say stuff in Israel that will help stop all the fighting over there. I dont know what it will be, cause he's gonna say it in Jewish talk (Hebrew) and I do not know that. Sarah is gonna do some stuff with sick children. I think she is gonna give em little drops of her blood to make them better. but a little spy camera is gonna catch her and they will show movies of it on the rachel ray show (they tibo it for me). she will smile and act all surprised and talk real fast. I like when she goes like that.

Well, that's all.  wilkravitz is done watchin that entourage show and he wants his computer back. but he looks a little bit sick to me. I think he still has a piece a that diarrhea left, so he ain't gonna be typing out too much more new stuff tonight. so that's all. I'm gonna go down and spear me some more roachies. Good bye. that's it...just good bye.

TWO VAMPIRES IN 'FLIP-FLOPS'

Here's another little peek into the pages of LA CIENCIA VAMPIRISMO, an ancient tome, much prized by vampires and other students of arcane foorces.

FIRST KNOW THIS - The recitation of sing-song words and rhymes in no way brings about, or causes any 'magical' events to take place. Such things only serve as crutches, to focus the mind and amplify personal auras.

True magicians cannot create something out of nothing. They momentarily slip into a realm  (the modern world uses the term 'parallel universe') where such objects, or conditions exist. Then they manage to 'take hold' of these manifestations and bring them back into their own, natural realm.

The acts of a sincere practitioner in no way rely on supernatural powers or beings. These conjurings are brought about via the developement of natural mental abilities possessed by us all.

Open your eyes. See what you know is there. Indeed, one of the oldest scraps of wizardry to come down to us stems from a people before the 'time of the moon.'.....a knowing band inhabiting Hispania long before even the Phonecians. They wrote these words (reproduced here in Latic Script)--- Scotosh Beedosh, which means ----'Be willing to see what you know you see'...or 'Believe your eyes.'

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Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...................Jonathon and Sarah were rendered pure in the Eyes of God, via three quick, tepid dunkings in one and three quarters inches of water filling the bottom of a blue, porcelain sink in the bathroom of a fat woman with her hair done up in a sloppy bun. She scooped them up and carefully placed them down on the middle of a cool, cotton duvet covering a large bed in her sleeping chamber. Then she gestured to the British rabbi (who delivered them to her tucked away in a small, velvet lined jewelry box). He threw open the draperies, allowing a rich, creamy shaft of moonlight to penetrate into the room and bathe the pristine comforter in its milky glow. The two human shaped beings occupying the navel of this all-natural-fiber plain slowly began to sublimate out in all directions, regaining normal size.........Sarah (the female on the bed) said - Thank you for restoring us. But would it be too much to ask for the loan of some little outfits, so that we might venture out on the streets and look for our friends?..........Who are their 'friends'? - snapped the big woman with the loose bun............The British rabbi cleared his throat and said - As near as we could tell, a woman who looks exactly like the American singer known as 'Cher' and a resurrected Beatle, known as John Lennon. He, I can assure you, is quite real. And his singing voice is very much intact too..........The big woman did not like these complications and she grumbled as she scrounged around in a huge wardrobe searching for appropriate garments. When she was satisfied, she tossed them onto the naked pair, pushed the foreign clergyman out of the room and bellowed - Hurry up and dress yourselves. We do not have much time.

Jonathon and Sarah did as they were told. He wound up with a polyester tennis outfit, circa nineteen seventyfive (remember those little 'hot pants'?). And she managed to slip into a plain, though well-cut bridal gown, which appeared to be a decent 'knock-off' of Vera Wang's Spring twothousand and three line. The bedroom door opened. Two sealed, cellophane packages, each containing a fresh pair of white, rubber 'flip-flops' (Japanese zori sandals) were thrown into the room. And so our two vampire travelers, each dressed in bright white from head to toe (undergarments included) walked out into the shabby, but clean sitting room.

The rather dapper British rabbi gasped and said one word-----'Golem.'..........Then he pulled out and unfolded an copy of an old wood-cut depicting such a creature. It was a bit crude, obviously drawn by an amateur. Yet the likeness portrayed was a likeness of Jonathon. So his sojourn in that 'other worldly' Prague not too long ago apparently had been completely and utterly real............................................

VAMPIRES TEST THE WATERS. SOME WITH CHEERLEADERS AND SOME WITHOUT

wilkravitz is sick and the usual, tiny droplets of vampire blood are not working. That is why our posts have been somewhat spotty of late. But I will do my best to channel some information. I think you already know me. I am Roland, the 'second' male 'elf.' Sometimes I slip into  the local library when they're open late (usually during the cooler months of the year) and tap away in the computer room. No, I do not have a card. But it is easy for me to bewitch librarians with a sly, vampiric glance. They are so very innocent and naive. So I've managed to absorb a bit of this magical apparatus. To me, it is like an abbacus for wizards, or a crystal ball for scriveners.

Forgive the late (for mortals) hour of this communication. I just got back from my first tryst of the evening, with a bevy of cheerleaders prepairing for some sort of high school graduation debauchery. There was a pool in the backyard (quite the 'stay-cation destination' I must say.) and connsidering the clammy, warmth, is was only natural for us to peel off our sundry codpieces, corsets and garters so that we might cavort unencumbered in the clear, blue, crystal waters.. It is so easy to nip wet, cheerleader fannies. I drank my fill in a few score heartbeats and had plenty of time for a stimulating assortment of carnal nicities. I'm sure I will remember those tickle partners. They liked by pointy ears, as well as certain other protruding bodily adornments. Such a shame I had to 'flicker' out of there so quickly (someone's 'daddy' approached) losing my best 'tights' (you would call them.) in the ensuing confusion.  I flew home dressed only in Mother Nature's creations and sit, still in that oh-so-comfy state as I type this out.

Jonathon and Sarah were spirited through the streets of Jerusalem. The British rabbi took them to a shabby, forth floor walk-up in a nineteen-thirties stucco building not far from the Temple Mount. Of course they were still tiny, about the size of those blue, rubber Smurf toys so popular a generation ago. He (the rabbi) put his briefcase on the table, took out the little jewelry box and flipped open the lid, allowing our two minute vampires to scramble out. I do not know where the one known as Lady Renate was, or John Lennon too, for that matter. But a strange, fat woman, with her hair all done up in a sloppy bun, pulled out an ornate magnifying glass and proceeded to examine the enchanted specimens trying to catch their breath on her Formica kitchen table. She asked the rabbi if he was sure of their provenance and he told her that he was. So she scooped up our miraculous couple and quickly waddled off to a small 'powder room,' where she placed them down on the lid of a toilet tank, before turning on a thin trickle of warm water running into a petit, blue porcelain sink.

The rabbi, looking in from the doorway said - You can't do it here.........I can and I will - said the woman. this is running water. And if you say the right blessing, it's holy water. So we can 'baptize' them here. We can purify them. We can wash away their sins. So hurry up and make this a 'mikvah' - said the woman.........Jonathon heard her and he tried to tell the rabbi she was right (although he wasn't quite sure of their purpose) but his tiny voice failed to carry. So he and Sarah just stood there, next to a roll of pink, scented toilet paper and a copy of People (in Hebrew) Magazine. As the rabbi chanted the prayers, the woman tore a little door into the side of a paper Dixie-Cup (conveniently stored in a plastic, wall-mounted holder)  and put it down for her miniature guests to use as a dressing room, sort of like a flat-roofed tee-pee. With his final 'amen,' she bent forward to address her illustrious (though stunted) visitors....................Go, go, go - she said. Either one. It doesn't matter. Off with your clothes and into the pool. And don't worry. you won't fall. Here, climb onto my hand. I'll help you. And no need for false modesty here, duckies. Those 'bits and pieces' you've got are so small as to be almost invisible..................Then she turned to the rabbi and said - Three times up and three times down? Am I right?.........Yes - he sighed............Jonathon told Sarah he would be the gentleman and go first, test the waters, so to speak. Besides, it was rather close in there..............So his evening also began with a little dip (Roland's joke), but went on to end quite differently........................ 

VAMPIRISM IS NOT A DISEASE

You have not encountered us before. We are two vagabonds, locked in the vampiric state. For how long, we do not know. Time is a conceit and we don't worry about trivialities. However, we are in possession of  a copy of La Ciencia Vampirismo and we are willing to share some ancient truths with you.

1) VAMPIRISM IS NOT SIMPLY A DISEASE. It is not effected by the physical world, save for the searing light of the sun. And even then, it is not actually the light itself which destroys us, but being active in a time not our own. God split the day from the night. We have our portion. The evening is ours. The morning belongs to mortals and the penalty for tresspass is death.

Our condition is a Spiritual state of Being, ordained by Heaven since the beginning of time. We are God's Tweezers, forged to pluck imperfections from the face of humanity. Perhaps I should clarrify. Other worlds with other soul-based beings have vampires too. They may be shaped differently. They may 'cull' the wicked via different means. But they are true vampires, never the less.

Blood does not sustain us. I know those of you familiar with this ongoing tale already know that, but so many of you gloss over it. It is the taking of unworthy lives at certain times of the year (as known on Earth) that keeps us going. Indeed, extremely ancient vampires often stop killing, as they continue their spiritual evolution and take on other 'chores.'

The blood, in and of itself, is not in anyway magical. It is only a recognized symbol for the 'sharing of the burden' (creation of new vampires). Noxious vampires, as well as those unable to forget human appetites, lust after it to satisfy an irrational hunger. Yet we must admit that its ingestion is pleasant to us and the rich texture and tang quite intoxicating.

...........................We will share more some other time. Your old friends, Jonathon and Sarah are still in Jerusalem, safe within a small, velvet lined jewelbox, tucked into the briefcase of that British rabbi.. He is taking them to a certain place, where he plans to present them to members of a revered assemblage. And little do they who push and jostle their way along these narrow ancient thoroughfares realize the importance of the tiny pilgrims passing through their midst. Oooh, that falafel smells good. If we were mortal, we would savor it. Maybe we should purchase a bit of it, just to dab behind our ears? But nights in the City of David can be quite warm this time of year. And although we rarely perspire, a sojourn on the Mount of Olives (a breezier venue) would be quite refreshing. So please bear with us, as we sublimate to that cooler clime. How we so enjoy the songs and prayers of the city as we pass..........

EDITH ON THE HORN

This is Edith. I have the controls of the magic communication book. Well, that's what it seems like to me. wilkravitz calls it an out-of-date dell inspiron 6000. I call her Sweetie-Pie. And Sweetie-Pie wants me to tell you things. No, no, no....I want to tell you things. She just says she'll help me. If  you're new to our part of the firmament, I am a 'seer' woman, a 'pow-wow' woman from deep in the New Jersey Pinelands. I've been living with the vampires for nine moons. I know the Mole People. I know the Red Paint People. I know a lot of people. The vampires value my talents. They use me to calibrate their own 'visions.' If we match, then odds are the visions are true. Sometimes I get a big flood of Akoshic mumblings about you, or your sister in law or somebody's asshole of a boss, or that bib-busted girl down the street. Please allow me to enlighten you.

This is for a Barbra in Chicago. Your dog knows who stole your car. He was out in the yard when it happened and he got a good look at both of them. Right now, it's in a chop-shop somewhere in Gary, Indiana. But the insurance company will make a somewhat liberal payment. Splurge. Get the Chrysler 300. Also. ask 'you-know-who' to start writing down all her best recipies. That will simplify things a lot in the near future. Keep an eye on Gloria. She's not very trustworthy, but you already know that. Tranfer to a different school. There's a click in this one. They play games and make trouble. The boss is no good too. Seek greener pastures.

Now I have something to say to a Larry, or .....No, not Larry...a Barry...in Florida...somewhere near Orlando. I think you're a limo driver. Join that band. The creative environment will be good for you. Put a little 'rock' into the country mix. Lose twenty pounds. Don't get that tattoo. Relationship will change. Contact Beverly. She feels bad about something (not your fault). Do your best to comfort her. And get your teeth fixed. Watch your driving. Get the brakes checked, your blood pressure too. Don't go skydiving...ever. And yes, buy that condo. Search it from top to bottom. The old couple hid something valuable.

First initial 'J' in New York City. Ditch that someone from the apartment downstairs. Listen to your friends. They know something. You 've been drinking heavily lately. Not an alcoholic (yet), but swimming in that direction. You'll join a social discussion group at a museum, or similar venue. Don't be afraid to talk. I think it's a film and theatre club. Be open to new people. You'll meet one from another nation. Prepare to live abroad, maybe in Amsterdam, London or Dublin. You currently like a human who has a cute, little Jack Russell terrier. If you're totally against relocating, this dog person may be the one. Not a problem free individual, but you can handle it.

Your mother wants you to know that she has rings hidden in a little china cup, or small painted vase placed way in the back of a top shelf in a bedroom closet. Other items are also stored away in the laundry room. Search the double-door, white metal locker near the door to the garage. It holds important documents....No....the rings are NOT on a top shelf. They are on the floor, under some old clothes. Collectible old records are there too. Is this Michigan? I think I'm seeing Michigan

You'll have to excuse me. That's all I know right now. My stomach hurts. Must go get a piece a cake....