Sunday, June 12, 2011


wilkravitz is sick and the usual, tiny droplets of vampire blood are not working. That is why our posts have been somewhat spotty of late. But I will do my best to channel some information. I think you already know me. I am Roland, the 'second' male 'elf.' Sometimes I slip into  the local library when they're open late (usually during the cooler months of the year) and tap away in the computer room. No, I do not have a card. But it is easy for me to bewitch librarians with a sly, vampiric glance. They are so very innocent and naive. So I've managed to absorb a bit of this magical apparatus. To me, it is like an abbacus for wizards, or a crystal ball for scriveners.

Forgive the late (for mortals) hour of this communication. I just got back from my first tryst of the evening, with a bevy of cheerleaders prepairing for some sort of high school graduation debauchery. There was a pool in the backyard (quite the 'stay-cation destination' I must say.) and connsidering the clammy, warmth, is was only natural for us to peel off our sundry codpieces, corsets and garters so that we might cavort unencumbered in the clear, blue, crystal waters.. It is so easy to nip wet, cheerleader fannies. I drank my fill in a few score heartbeats and had plenty of time for a stimulating assortment of carnal nicities. I'm sure I will remember those tickle partners. They liked by pointy ears, as well as certain other protruding bodily adornments. Such a shame I had to 'flicker' out of there so quickly (someone's 'daddy' approached) losing my best 'tights' (you would call them.) in the ensuing confusion.  I flew home dressed only in Mother Nature's creations and sit, still in that oh-so-comfy state as I type this out.

Jonathon and Sarah were spirited through the streets of Jerusalem. The British rabbi took them to a shabby, forth floor walk-up in a nineteen-thirties stucco building not far from the Temple Mount. Of course they were still tiny, about the size of those blue, rubber Smurf toys so popular a generation ago. He (the rabbi) put his briefcase on the table, took out the little jewelry box and flipped open the lid, allowing our two minute vampires to scramble out. I do not know where the one known as Lady Renate was, or John Lennon too, for that matter. But a strange, fat woman, with her hair all done up in a sloppy bun, pulled out an ornate magnifying glass and proceeded to examine the enchanted specimens trying to catch their breath on her Formica kitchen table. She asked the rabbi if he was sure of their provenance and he told her that he was. So she scooped up our miraculous couple and quickly waddled off to a small 'powder room,' where she placed them down on the lid of a toilet tank, before turning on a thin trickle of warm water running into a petit, blue porcelain sink.

The rabbi, looking in from the doorway said - You can't do it here.........I can and I will - said the woman. this is running water. And if you say the right blessing, it's holy water. So we can 'baptize' them here. We can purify them. We can wash away their sins. So hurry up and make this a 'mikvah' - said the woman.........Jonathon heard her and he tried to tell the rabbi she was right (although he wasn't quite sure of their purpose) but his tiny voice failed to carry. So he and Sarah just stood there, next to a roll of pink, scented toilet paper and a copy of People (in Hebrew) Magazine. As the rabbi chanted the prayers, the woman tore a little door into the side of a paper Dixie-Cup (conveniently stored in a plastic, wall-mounted holder)  and put it down for her miniature guests to use as a dressing room, sort of like a flat-roofed tee-pee. With his final 'amen,' she bent forward to address her illustrious (though stunted) visitors....................Go, go, go - she said. Either one. It doesn't matter. Off with your clothes and into the pool. And don't worry. you won't fall. Here, climb onto my hand. I'll help you. And no need for false modesty here, duckies. Those 'bits and pieces' you've got are so small as to be almost invisible..................Then she turned to the rabbi and said - Three times up and three times down? Am I right?.........Yes - he sighed............Jonathon told Sarah he would be the gentleman and go first, test the waters, so to speak. Besides, it was rather close in there..............So his evening also began with a little dip (Roland's joke), but went on to end quite differently........................ 

No comments: