SOME NIGHT-FOLK LORE FROM LA CIENCIA VAMPIRISMO ... 12/19/13

They all sat in a little room upstairs. I suppose it was meant to be a bedroom or a sleeping cubicle, but for some reason they weren't using it for that. Now it was a snug, cozy study with a thick 'Turkey' rug on the dark wood floor, shelves filled with books, an old library table (not a big one, a small one), wing-chairs covered in a subtle English upholstery and little lamps and pin-up lights which shed a low warm glow on the vampiric souls assembled there.

Tomas, also known as Jonathon, sat at the head. Sarah, Leo, Conrad, Baylah and the elfin types took seats around the room. For a while they were all quiet. Just sitting. Just waiting, as he slipped the ancient tome from an old, velvet cover and reverently put it down on the table.

How old is it? - whispered Sarah..... Well - he said - as far as I know this one comes from Frankish territory, where it belonged to Charlemagne's court vampire. But the contents were copied from even older scrolls and folios. Some go back to the Persians. A few stem from the Great Library of Alexandria and certain pages survived the second Roman defilement of Jerusalem about eighteen hundred and fifty years ago....... Wow - said- Leo. You know what that would get on Ebay?..... But Tomas just gave him a look..... Baylah said - We had books like that in Timbuctu. I never saw them. I was not a vampirina then and females never saw them anyway. One came from Abyssina. Melenik's Journal, they called it. But I don't think it came from him...... Who was he? - said Conrad...... King Solomon's son by way of the Queen of Sheba - whispered Tomas..... Yeah, I saw the movie - said Leo..... That's when Tomas lost it and went - SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Will you just SHUT UP!?....Leo did shut up... for a few heartbeats. Then he goes - That looks like a Harry Potter book, like a Hogwarts prop. Bet they made it in Taiwan..... With that, Tomas picks up the book and holds it out before him, like Moses with The Tablets and Leo's mouth disappears from off his face... No lips.... No slit... No nothing... Just skin, a nose and two real terrified eyes..... You can hear the desperate groans beneath the flesh..... Tomas goes - Please don't make me mad..... Everybody just sits there. No one says a word... Celeste, the quiet elferina starts to cry. Conrad erupts into nervous laughter. Sarah whispers - Do something... Tomas exhales, opens the book to a certain page, holds it up again and says a few words in Old Vahmperigo.... At first, nothing happens. He exhales a second time and holds the book a little higher. Four heartbeats later, Leo's mouth begins to erode..... First a little slit, so small he can barely get the tip of his tongue through. Then it expands, running back toward the natural limits of what used to be his mouth. Finally the lips form. Celeste stops crying. Everybody relaxes, but Leo just sits there, staring at the table top.

Tomas puts the book down, turns to another page and continues. I'm paraphrasing - he says, as he studies the ancient script .... Night-folk were called to serve. Every temple. Every chapel. Every prayer house had a guardian. And we were those guardians. Guardian vampires, that's what we were. Gargoyles and other fantastical figures were created to help us. We scared away the gold thieves, protected the faithful and plucked out the wicked from the beard of all mankind. Kings sought our counsel. Priests learned our songs........ Then he stopped reading and said - We have to respect ourselves and value what we are. Not just some nights, but every night. That's how it begins. That's what we are. You saw the power this book has. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, but now you know.

The elferinos and elferinas stared wide-eyed, waiting for more. So did the true vampires. After all, power tastes good and everybody wants a bite.

But Tomas, also known as Jonathon, knew he had to go slow. so he closed the book and slipped it back into the velvet sack. 

Edith came up with a large, gold and diamond, flask-like container of Russo-Baltique. Imagine, over one million, three hundred thousand dollars for a bottle of vodka. But vampire coffers are deep... and some things are worth it. 

They all had a drink, even the elfin-folk. Some had two. And then the night was over...

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THE VAMPIRINA, SARAH, KILLS PEOPLE TOO SOMETIMES ... 12/18/13

Before she left the townhouse, Sarah caught a bit of Jimmy Kimmel and she didn't like when Mark Wahlberg said he doesn't go to late mass, 'cause he sees too many people who try and give him scripts. Said he goes for scripture and not for scripts. But don't he realize some of them people just want the same chance he has? Don't he realize minus an 'in' they gonna die with them stories. Services ain't just about pretty music and feel good talkin'.  Brightening the corner where you are has something to do with it too. And thumbin' through a couple dreams ain't no big thing. Maybe he should go twice a day? Sarah didn't like how he give his kids bee-bee gun too. Don't say nothin' in no Bible 'bout bee-bee gunin' up you kids. I am the disembodied spirit narrator known as Mister Never you Mind and I am pretty sure 'bout that. 

She left after he done his talk-bout-my-movie time. Did save commercial part for the end though. So guess he was a little bit shamed. I jus' tellin' you what she say. Sarah gone kill somebody tonight. Had a vision an' everything. But she know how bad the guy what gone be killed is when she 'wake too.
She know from Masha and Mrs. Hudge. Masha like a cleaning woman. Comes in to help Edith once in a while. Edith a witch, but she can't make no rags dance. Need a old fashioned borned-in Europe-lady for that.

Masha take Mrs Hudge to the doctor. She gotta go there a lot. Masha go wit' her 'cause  Mrs. Hudge got taters in her ears. Don't know technical name for it, but that what she got. Plus her heart all f*cked up too. She get pills for that an' he take her blood every once in a while cause it part a the show. 

But Masha got this thing on her face. Live right on her cheek, next door to her nose. First it pink. Then it red. After that light brown. Later dark brown. Then it cancer. Then she die. An' that doc been lookin' at it for a long time. She sit there right in that room when he bleedin' scratch outta Mrs. Hudge. Got bright lights in there an' everything. He know Masha a poor woman. He know she ain't got no pay-the-doctor policy. He know all that, 'cause she talk all the time. But he jus' keep his mouth shut an' don't say nothin', 'cause ain't no money in his pocket.Could a saved her. Coulda said - Look here, Masha, why you not let clinic doctor take a look at that?.... But he don't. Mrs. Hudge cry when she die. She gettin' bad too.

Sarah gone get that doctor. She gone fix him. An' she know what in his head,'cause she good at that e.s.p.. Live close by too. Got a house what been wrote up in a magazine. Got a wife what a doctor too, but she a nice one. Don't double book or nothin'. Take what pay-the-doctor policy give her. Don't ask for more. Don't take no less, but don't take no more.

Sarah slip in the back garden. They got one jus' like vampires do.. Fella come an' fix it up. Got Chinese Cabbage in it now, 'cause it winter.  Dog what they got shit itself out there an' he keep it company. Sometime he pick it up. Sometime he leave it for the garden fella. 'I pay him money. Let him grab some shit.' That what he say... the doctor, I mean.

They got a little shed fill a patio furniture an' citronella candles. She hide in there. Sublimate right through the wall. Doc say - What you doin', dog? Shit already!.... But dog don't wanna', 'cause  it know a vampire in the house. An' Sarah don't wanna make no big thing outta this. She jus' wanna kill him. So she open the door and step out. Got her puffy down jacket on, 'cause this ain't nothin' fancy.

He got a whiny, high pitched voice an' he go - Excuse me! Can I help you!? Can I help you!? Who are you? How you get in here!?..... Dog look like it know somethin' unusual gonna happen. 'Cause, you know, dog like a see things. An' when Sarah go over an' bite his neck, pooch hide under chair and peek out.  Don't try to save him, though.  'Sides, it the wife dog anyway. Twenty one heartbeat later he dead. An' 'fore he spontaneously combust into blue flame an' disappear, she snap off his gold Rolex. Wanna give it to Masha's grandson. 

When she leave, dog run out an lick up the grease. Fire don't burn everythin'. Wife never find him. Nobody find him. Jus' another mystery in a old (though thoroughly renovated ) house, on a cobbled street in Philadelphia.

Took his ring for Mrs. Hudge too..... Best thing he ever done for her...

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NOW WE'RE A BIGGER AND EVEN MORE NEUROTIC VAMPIRE FAMILY..... 12/17/13

No disembodied spirit narrator tonight. It's just me, wilkravitz. I started typing my name that way years ago when they made me start this, but by now you know I'm 'Billy.' OK, no more 'wilkravitz.' I'll say 'Billy.' They're fighting. They're all fighting. Conrad wants to be a comedy writer. Jonathon, or Tomas, or whatever you want to call him almost had a stroke. He goes - You stupid, stupid, stupid son of ah beech.....You know how his accent comes out when he gets mad. Three hundred and thirty years in this country and still sounds like Ricky Ricardo. No, not Ricky Ricardo. Like that swordsman guy Mandy Patinkin played in The Princess Bride. Similar haircut too, only shaped better. 

Conrad sent jokes into Jimmy Fallon. They got a format. there's a way they package them. He googled it. I didn't type it up for him. Maybe Leo did. I don't know. They were jokes about The Sound of Music. Conrad loves The Sound of Music. Von Trapp Family versus Jackson Family on Family Feud. More like a bit. More like a sketch than jokes. Fallon's the host. Von Trapp kids all like eighty three years old. Still got them little sailor suits.  Jacksons all got Jerri Curls. Von  Trapps keep callin' Fallon ' Fraulein Maria, 'cause they're senile. Every time they give a bad answer they start shaking and goin' - You're not gonna call Hitler are you?... I don't know what the Jacksons said. Never saw those pages. 

But some woman emailed him. Asked for more material. He arranged to meet her too. A dinner meeting in New York. Figured he'd rent a windowless panel van, or something and ride up in the back. Tomas goes - You stupid! stupid! son of a beech! What if she hire you!? What if she give you a job?! How you gonna make a pee pee? How you gonna take a urine test!? You think about THAT, you dumb bastard!? How you gonna go to work? Go! Go! They raise a window shade, you go 'poof.' You die. That'll be it... Leo starts clapping. Conrad bangs his fist on the table. Baylah was there and she says - Look, Conrad, if you want to do a set, come to the piano bar. I'll fix it up..... He sniffs and goes - Really??... Tomas rattles off something in Old Vahmperigo. Sounds a lot like Catalan. Like that kind a Spanish. Like Spanish mixed with French. Then he goes - I'm not feeling well. I'm light headed... and he storms out. Grabs his leather jacket and storms out. ... Everybody looks. The elferinos and elferinas don't know what to say, being new here and all. Baylah sighs. Conrad whines. Edith says - He ain't gone no where, 'cause he ain't got them 'bootkins' on. What, he's gonna walk around in socks all night? (gestures out toward the street) They don't know he's a vampire? They're gonna know he's crazy?..... Then she looks at Conrad and goes - Conrad, you got 'buyer's remorse.'  I'm not a life-eater. I'm not a vampire, but I know, 'cause I listen and I hear a lot and I'm smart..... Leo goes - Yeah, and you're a witch too.... Edith says - Alright, I'm a witch too, but that's not what this is about..... Nobody says anything. Conrad starts rocking back and forth like he's on the continuum. Look, this is a common thing. Vampires get that way. New ones, I mean. They see things. The Holidays come around. They hear music. They smell something. You know how important 'smell' is to them? And they remember. They remember 'before.' They remember the daylight. 'Daylight fever' it's called. And he's got it. Baylah knows. Tomas knows too. Look, he gets crazy. You know that. Conrad 'll go with Baylah. He'll do some comedy. The stuff he sent to Jimmy Fallon isn't all he has. OK, he'll have to read it out of a black and white composition book, but that could be like his 'thing.' Let him get it out of his system. Maybe he'll be the world's first openly night-folk comic? Carson Daly'd have him. Can you imagine what Chelsea Handler and Andy Cohen would do with him? They tried to tell humanity about all that vampire crap before. I mean 'all' of humanity. Not just a few 'familiars' and some cops who run interference, but everybody.

I wish Sarah was here, but she went out. Had to buy underwear for the elferinos and elferinas. They didn't have any. Didn't know about it. Three hundred years and no tightie-whities. Can you imagine? Sounds like a novel . It's Christmas time. A lot a vampires shop now. Stores stay open. They never close.  And it's winter.

Everybody looks dead...

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THE VAMPIRE KNOWN AS TOMAS HAS 'FAMILIARS' ALL OVER TOWN... 12/15/13

Initially they slept at a hotel. Tomas has connections all over town, so it wasn't too hard to arrange. The two elferinos and two elferinas were given suites in a rather posh boutique establishment overlooking The Old State House, known to out of towners as 'Independence Hall.'  Roland smiled. He said he remembered the venerable edifice from earlier nights. It was cheek by jowl with bookshops, bakeries, chandlers,oyster houses, tailor shops and counting houses back then. Much grander now, what with green swards and charming, brick pathed grounds. The others recalled those nights too, but kept silent, considering their loss and all. 

Management knew just what to do. This wasn't the first time night-folk stopped there. Four months ago a rather rock and roll British comedian and his Quebecois, former model, vampirina girlfriend took a suite on the fourth floor where they drank ice filled tumblers of Grey Goose all day. These four should be easy. The rooms all have room darkening shades and not just shades, draperies too. 'Housekeeping' is quite discrete. They can even put cots in the bathrooms if the 'guests' are afraid to sleep so close to windows. You can serve a catered diner in the granite and marble en suites they have at that place.

Contractors were brought into the townhouse, where they altered the lower level, constructing four, snug, walnut paneled sleeping chambers. Like bed-sits on a train they were. Each one fitted with wall mounted, flat screen (is it still necessary to say that?) televisions and wifi. Vampires might hide from the sun, but they don't always sleep.

Sarah said - Let me chose the linens..... Tomas didn't care. He assumed she'd do that. Or maybe Baylah, or Edith, or somebody. So she joined the Christmas throng one evening and went to Macy's, where she found eight hundred count Egyptian in an ivory shade well suited to the walnut veneers. I think she bought pillows of all types and duvets, but I'm just a disembodied spirit narrator and not particularly well versed in the decorative arts.

The elferinos and elferinas were quiet when they moved in. Unlike the hotel, this was for the long haul. Besides, they still missed the caretaker's wife and on their first night back went to visit her grave, right next to the resting place of her little one. The shrubs and trees were bare now, but the setting was still quite nice.

Afterwards they took little drinks from passersby on South Street. Their type can move so rapidly people hardly notice the bites. .Mortals are rarely drained to death. Elferinos and elferinas are not like that.

And so the night world moves on. Marianne and Roland and Celeste and Albion were 'home' now. Though they would have to learn how to come and go from the house without drawing undo attention.

For some mortal neighbors can be real rats....

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THEY LEAVE WALLETS WHERE POOR FOLKS CAN FIND THEM...... 12/14/13

They have a place where they sit. It's a little roof on a building next to a Dunkin Donuts. There's a dumpster down there off to the side in a walkway going back to an alley. Twice a night the people from the store dump unsold merchandise in it. Not stale crap. They could still sell it, but the manager of this franchise likes everything real fresh, because there's a Starbucks down the street and they sell a lot of the same things. Poor folks know the schedule. Some of them dive for stuff. Tomas hides up there on that roof. You can't see him from the street, because it has like a rim or a border around it. He peeks down from there. Been doing it for years. Since she's been here, Sarah goes up with him too. They take a wallet, just a plain wallet. Buy a new one every time. Fill it with twenty dollar bills. That way you get the most money in it. Sure fifties or hundreds would be better, but some places won't take them. With twenties, you can get about four hundred dollars in there and it will still fold over. 

Toss it down when they see somebody coming. Not too many people on the street real late at night. Homeless folks go fishing then. They look for doughnuts, apple fritters, flat bread sandwiches . Sometimes even little plastic containers filled with tuna fish, which are still edible if you get 'em real quick. They got one lady who comes by regularly. She's only semi-homeless. Got an old aunt with a disability in a little studio nearby. Lets her sleep on a cot. Little girl sleeps on a foam flip chair that turns into a bed. Tomas and Sarah gonna give her a wallet. Let it go 'plop' on the side walk. Dumpster lady jumps a little. She don't know what it is. Could be a pigeon, 'cause dead ones occasionally splat down from the sky, especially late at night. God knows what's up there. But she sees it. And it ain't no dead pigeon. Lady looks all around. Streets empty. Ain't no witnesses. Tomas puts a piece of adhesive tape over the open part of the wallet to keep it closed so none of the money falls out. She picks it up. Holds it right over her breast bone and looks. Sees all the money. Gets real still for a second, then shoves it all the way down in her pocket. Keeps her hand down there with it too. She got an old coat and they got deep pockets. Drops her plastic bag with the doughnuts and tuna fish in it and all, pulls down her knit cap and runs off. Sarah (she's up there too) whispers - Let's put a diamond ring in it next time..... Tomas goes - What would she do with it? Go to one of those 'we buy unwanted gold and jewelry' places? They'll cheat her. They'll steal it from her. This way is better. At least they eat real food. At least the little girl gets a coat, some Christmas toys.... Sarah says - Next time put a card in it, one of those pre-loaded debit cards. We could put a few thousand dollars on that. One of  your 'familiars' could do it.What? didn't you ever think of that before?....... Truth is, he never thought of that before. She forgets how old he is sometimes.

They climbed down from the roof and walked home. Streets were icing up. So much steam comin' up from them grates, looks like ghosts dancin' on the corners. Sometime like two ghosts dancin' a duet.

Sarah goes into an all night convenience store near where they live and buys two turkey breast hoagies with the works. Not for her and Tomas. She wants 'em for wilkravitz and Edith. Tomas gets a People Magazine. They pay and walk out. Tomas says it's good for them to be seen buying food 'round where they live. Most folks don't know 'bout them. This way they look more real.

When they do get back to the townhouse, Marianne is there. She's one a the elferinas... the talkative one. If you want, you can GOOGLE Marianne In Britches by Billy Kravitz and read all about her. Gotta scroll up and down though. It's a long story and she had a rough beginning. They can see she's been crying. Edith tried to comfort her. Gave her a hot apple cider. But she's still all broken up. Tomas goes - What's wrong? What happened?..... He sort a knows. Vampires feel things. Not the details, but they know. Thing is, Marianne wants to talk and he lets her.

She died. She's dead - the elferina sobs. The caretaker's wife. She's gone. And we don't want to stay there anymore.... Sarah hugs her. Tomas says - We'll take care of you..... Though he knows he doesn't really have to take care of them. These pubescent vampires are very self-reliant. It's just that they don't want to be alone. The caretaker went off with the niece and nephew. Soon there'll be another caretaker there. They don't want that anymore. One hundred and sixty nine years in that cemetery is enough.

But he wonders how it'll work out. So many night-folk coming and going from one address... So many.

And not all mortals are so tolerant....

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TOMAS TAKES A VICTIM IN RITTENHOUSE SQUARE....... 12/13/13

I speak as it happens. or rather I think it. wilkravitz sits in the townhouse kitchen, half asleep over the wide, granite island and types it in. No one else, other than Edith, is home. Sarah is off curing orphans and old people. I think Leo and Conrad went to The SugarHouse Casino. They're hooked on video poker. One of our 'familiars' meets them at the entrance. He gives them five hundred dollars. That's enough. Long lived creatures like me have deep coffers, but that's no excuse to squander it. And Leo swears he won't kill anyone. Might take a few bloody kisses. It's hard for vampires to pull back. The compulsion is so strong. But he can do it. I hope.  Conrad, I don't have to worry about. He's not even really like a vampire. He's more like a middle school, social studies teacher. I don't know. Maybe it's the pants. Edith says Dockers pants look schmucky on a vampire. He doesn't like to hear that. Claps his hands over his ears and rocks back and forth. Then he goes 'na--na na na na--na na na na--na na--na--na na na' like from that old 'Land Of a Thousand Dances' record..... And she sits there and yells - SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK! SCHMUCK!... He starts crying. She feels bad. You know she's not like that. Maybe it's living with vampires? I can only guess what we must be like. I'm gonna buy her a nice sweater. She likes sweaters. Maybe send her for a pedicure too. did you ever think you'd hear a vampire talk like this? But you know what? I'm glad I can talk like this. It keeps me sane. I'm only post-human after all.

But it's cold out here. The square is empty. Nobody coming out of the restaurants and bars. Most of them are closed. A few are open. It's freezing. Looks like a stage set. Everything appears exceptionally three dimensional. All the edges seem sharp and hard. I like the tiny bee lights. The trees look nice. But now I see them... two of them. One's all dapper in a suit and top coat. Apparently he likes trim leather boots too. The other one's big... a real big guy... beer belly... fleshy faced. He's not so dressed up. Got a gun in his pocket. They come around now for the 'protection' money. Right after closing, that's when they come. Tills are full. They know that. I hate them. They hurt people. They kill people. It's a joke. It's business. You know how we talk about the Jersey Pine Barrens? They plant people there. I can show you where too. But tonight, I, Tomas de Macabea, also known as Jonathon ben Macabi, gonna 'cull' the mortal herd a little. It's alright. I had a vision. 

So I start walking toward them. I'm real quiet at first. Don't make a sound. Night-folk thing. Easy trick. We can all do it. They don't turn around. Don't suspect a thing. Wouldn't make any difference if they did. Then I do that move where I scrape the sole of my bootkin against the cement a certain way so it makes sparks. I don't think mortals can do it, but vampires can. Has to do with speed and force. Fat guy looks over his shoulder and sees me. But he doesn't think anything of it. I look like some eighteen year old... a nice looking, stylish eighteen year old, but a kid. They keep going. Must be parked in the little alley. Cops won't bother them. Then I start whistling... Teddy Bears' Picnic... When you go out on the streets tonight, you're in for a big surprise..... I know that's not the real words, but that's how I think of it. 

Fat guy turns around and goes - Yo, asshole, you got a problem?..... Next thing he knows, I sublimate right through the air. To him it looks like I disappeared where I was and reappeared right in his face. Guy goes - Jesus Christ!... Reaches for his gun, but I crush his wrist and bite that fleshy, greasy, honker right off his face. Now he's gagging. Now he's crying. Dapper guy backs up against a building. Tries to sneak away. But he sees the whole thing. He sees me rip that flabby neck right open. Fat bastard trembles. Snot dripping out his Skeletor nose holes. Big piss stain blooming on the front of his pants. Eight heartbeats later he's dead. Dapper guy sees the body guard light up. Sees the blue flame. Sees him disappear. Like flash paper. They go up like flash paper. Big, lacy ashes float up into the air. Dapper guy makes like he gotta go somewhere. Like he's real nonchalant. Jus' gone 'round the corner. Jus' gone 'round the corner. But I go 'round with him and he dies in the shadows on a hard, icy street. 

Fat bastard's nose still lying on the sidewalk where I spit it. Pick it up with a napkin. Not a regular, cheap, supermarket napkin, but a big, heavyweight, creamy one from The Cheesecake Factory. Don't know how I got it, but I got it. Gonna send it to his family in case they want to have a funeral, or a luncheon, or something.

I know these events have not been related in my usual irresistible vampire cadence. But it's cold out here. And I'm not playing around.

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Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: The Book of Sarah ... early nights in the relationship of the Vampire, Tomas, and his consort, Sarah..... 12/12/13

Billy Kravitz' vampire wonderland: The Book of Sarah:  This is coming to you through wilkravitz. Something happened. They firebombed the house. They burned it. They destroyed it. I was 'slee...This originally posted almost three years ago. Very good peek into the first nights of our Tomas and Sarah 'thing.' Six people have seen it. That's all. Most of our traffic came in the last year. So essentially this is brand new. 

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