When last we met, the Philadelphia vampires plus certain mortal friends were with Doctor Franklin in his more than likely trans dimensional orchestrated small city known as 'Baby Philadelphia.' They were on their way through the busy 'colonial' municipality and seeing the sights. Every street was picture perfect, grey, gently pillowed cobbles, red brick buildings, mullioned windows, marble steps. Fine ladies sailed along in opened sedan chairs. Children played with little terriers. Edith said - Doctor Franklin, was old Philadelphia like this?... The three hundred plus year old Patriot smiled - After a fashion, I suppose. We did have poverty and there were certain alleys where no lady would go..... Edith asked if there were slaves..... He quietly responded - Yes, there were. Not as numerous as towards the south, but we had them...... They rode in silence... Edith, the mortal witchy-woman housekeeper cleared her throat and asked - Did you have any?.... The Doctor said - Come, come, hasn't he (meaning Jonathon) ever told you?.... She shook her head. Jonathon didn't say a word. Franklin pulled back his wispy white hair with an elastic 'scrungi' thing... not 'authentic,' but that was Franklin. He said - You have to understand the times. That's an avoidance. I know it, but please let me talk. Miners in Scotland were held like slaves. Some wore iron collars. They couldn't do anything else. They were born to that position. Granted, families usually stayed together, though their wives weren't respected. They were never called 'missus.' Many weren't legally married. In Ireland it was worse..... She didn't respond... Do you want me to tell you about Russia, about the serfs? They were slaves. The only difference was they were sold in family groups. Some nobles had all nude, female orchestras. Young boys, children, were sent out to kill wolves. Do you know where the expression 'all dressed up with nowhere to go' comes from? From Russia. There was one day a year, Saint Michael's Day. Dissatisfied serfs would dress in their best clothing and stand by the road, hoping some landed gentleman would ride by and purchase them. Nobles made trades and that was it. If no one passed by, or showed any interest, they had to stay where they were. Lost on the endless plains. Some were sold to the army. Guess who got shot first? Not that it excuses what we did here, or there, I mean. I forget we're in 'Baby Philadelphia.' But the Americas had no traditional peasant class, so we created one. And as to my personal arrangements, after hundreds of years, let me say this, I don't want to talk about it. Jonathon wanted to know why this sun had no effect on him, or the others, but he kept his mouth shut. He moved his tongue around his mouth. Obviously, his fangs, small and discrete, were still there. Their Annie, Little Bastid Annie, not Pig Blood Annie, saw a vendor selling hair ribbons and notions and asked the coachman to stop. He ignored her, but when Franklin said - Here, Geoffrey... he did. Coins changed hands. The little vampirina had her scarlet ribbons and they were off. The domestic who let them into Franklin's house, a commodious, detached, mini-manor on it's own small lot and a rarity in either Philadelphia, was a bi-racial woman in a carefully pressed, calico dress, starched white apron and a crocheted snood. Whatever business arrangement she had with the old patriot, if any, was hard to ascertain. Apparently there were things about this place they didn't understand...
<more next time>
click - MEAT PIES ... to see all episodes I have up... click - PEPPER POT ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you.
An experiment. No story tonight, BUT if you want, YOU can write a story, or just about anything for that matter. Leave comments. Talk about YOU and YOUR sites. We get at least 200 hits a day, sometimes more.... not 'viral' but still enough to draw some attention. Plus, we get a large number of readers who follow via our RSS, so people will stumble on your comments for a long time. Include any links you'd like people to know about. SELL YOURSELF. Just please no obvious porn, hate, or bias. I can promise any comments will get a lot of talk on Twitter. All you have to lose are a few minutes and who knows?... YOUR little comment-story might take off or some readers might become aware of your own site who might not have otherwise discovered it. Big things start from tiny whispers. Try it... Say something.... Here's a tip. Don't edit yourself too much. Just start typing and go. Take a chance.. Click down below where it says - no comments... That doesn't mean you can't comment. It just means there are no comments YET. As comments appear, it will list the number of comments or just say comments. Even if you've never blogged or had your own digital presence, this can be the place where it starts. So many people think 'why me?'.... Well, that's a bunch of bull. Why NOT you? And why not NOW? < regular posts will continue> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ click SILVER ... to see all episodes we have up.... click GOLD ... to join me on TWITTER and hopefully announce your OWN comment-narrative or comment -opinion or whatever... thank you ---- Billy
OK, so last time, PIG BLOOD ANNIE found a portal... Was it THEE portal? Who knows, because if you want to be honest, the omniverse has a lot of portals. You know what they are? They're voids in the space-time matrices. You see, every possible point in creation is occupied by a place-keeper. Place-Keepers can do a multitude of chores. They can resonate with the frequency of any subatomic particle and even tinier (down to what passes for 'infinity') components of subatomic particles.
But sometimes a point goes unoccupied. No one knows why. Is it part of a plan? Are they cosmic escape hatches to be used in the event of titanic disasters? Your guess is as good as anybody's.
Them what uses 'em calls them 'snappers.' Einstein knew about them. That's how his hair got so fancy. So did Ethyl Merman, only her hair just stayed plain... Well we assume she knew about them. She learned anyway, 'cause once during a Wednesday matinee halfway through her run as Mama Rose in Gypsy, she missed her mark and winked out right in the middle of 'Have an eggroll, Mister Goldstone.' Baby June started yellin' - Mama! Mama! What the f#ck happened to our God damned Mama?! (she was supposed to be around ten years old)..... Then the audience starts buzzing. The orchestra starts playing. Kaye Ballard, the understudy, comes on stage suckin' hard boiled egg from her teeth and fixin' her wig.... Baby Jane don't know what to do, so she bark - Mama! Where the hell were you?! ..... Kaye Ballard goes - Where do you think I was?! You know Chinese food always do that to me!..... With that, everybody on stage, the kids, the 'Hollywood Blondes,' Herbie (Mama's boyfriend) ... the boy dancers starts laughin.' Kaye Ballard yells - Cue the music!....and they go right on with the number as if nothing ever happened, but one little Hollywood Blonde girl did peek under the bed just in case Miss Merman was only hidin'.... Four days later the queen of the belters shows up in the back of a honey dipped chicken truck from Quebec City, minus her bridgework and dressed like a lady, lumberjack waitress... She was lucky. She just 'snapped' to a different place in her own dimension... wasn't pregnant with no 'alien' spawn or got permanent duck feet (not just web toes, real duck feet), or a talkin' voo doo, snake husband.
Pig Blood Annie, on the other hand, got sucked into a long standing portal. We know that 'cause the pancake house manager told the cop he hates when that happens, 'cause apparently it happened many times before. He didn't mean to say it, 'cause he know he gotta get that toilet fixed, but it just blurted out. Long standing portals are more powerful. Everybody knows that. Once read it on the back of a tattooed lady in a hurricane, or had a Castilian matador puppet on the shelf in my bedroom 'splain it to me during the German Measles.
Yeah, Mister Never You Mind ( your disembodied spirit narrator ) know lot a stuff. Creole-Cajun folk always do.
I not never was no man-witch... an' that ain't no Sloppy Joe...
But I still had 'the touch.'
Next time we learn where that Pig Blood woman got her ass sent too..... I hope her whole ass got sent to the same place... 'cause that not always a given ....
<more to come>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
click HULA HOOPS ... to taste all the episodes we have up... click POPSICLES ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you.
So, Pig Blood Annie's been spending her time trying to find a portal to wherever it was them vampires went. She never knowed 'bout 'Baby Philadelphia.' She just knowed they gone. Got her dowsing stick. Walks around the city shakin' it up and down in front of her. Cop stops her and says - Hey, lady, you alright?...She gave him a look and said - Don't get yer balls in a snit, you God damn bastid, you...... Cop goes - What?... Two heartbeats later, he's all fetal on the sidewalk with his hands jammed down his pants cuppin' his doggie-parts and yodelin' Sole Mio... Born-witch can do that. Annie just kicks him in the ass and keeps on goin'. She want a find that portal.
Then she sees a pancake joint. Folks is sittin' inside eatin' real big, golden brown flap-jacks covered in all kinds a syrupy berries with whipped cream and all, even givin' it to babies. Place like an opium den, but for sugar. Women drinkin' sweet tea and laughin'. Booths got this orange vinyl on it. Makes high pitched fart noises when butts scoot over it on the way to the toilet... not just the toilet, but payin' the bill and leavin' too.
Annie not listenin' to the tootin'. She went in cause her dowsin' sticks start shakin'. Hostess says - Does the lady want a seat?... Annie goes - Do the f#ck face wanna drop dead?... Hostess goes - Excuse me?.... Annie goes - Aw shaddup... Girl look like she disappear, but that not what happened. Annie suck her all down and throw a cockroach hoo-doo on her, so now she tryin' a run under the counter, the cockroach-girl, I mean. Only Annie too quick and she crunch that thing into the fake slate floor... Manager run out and say - Where Mary go??? Some guy, maybe a waiter, but I know he an ex con, 'cause pancake joints hire lot a ex cons, it like a thing they do, says - I doan know..... But he do know, 'cause he see it all. He scared. He pee a little. You can see.
Annie brush 'em both outta her way and squeeze through this skinny aisle what pass through a sittin' area on one side and like a prep counter on the other. Toilets at the end. She headin' for the lady toilet. That where it comin' from, the vibration, I mean...
Look, lemme take this time, like a commercial break, to fresh people's memories what doan know who I am. I Mister Never You Mind, the spirit of a dead Creole-Cajun gent what got dipped in hydrochloric acid. I narrate this tale from time to time. Pleased to meet choo.
Dowsin' sticks shakin' real hard. Annie goes in. Toilet empty, save for a old lady smackin' her lips on a piece a folded, unused, toilet paper. 'Blottin' her lipstick,' I think they call it. Annie's voice get real low and she go - Get you ugly face outta here, you old bitch you... Lip blottin' thing grab up her face-fixin' crap and run out.
Manager out front whisperin' to some cop. Not the other cop. This a new cop. He want him to go in and see what Annie doin' in the lady toilet. Cop say he can't do that, less he think she crazy, or suicidal, or engaged in criminal activity. They wanna stop the old lady what rush out, but she say 'lemme alone' and scram.
Everybody else in place jus' keep eatin' more sugar. They doan care. Sugar do that to people, even the babies. They jus' wave they little fists and go 'ya ya ya.'
By the time cop finally peek in, he see special, in-door tornado suckin' up everythin' in that room, even the tile on the walls and waste basket shit and spinnin' 'round, born-witch woman Pig Blood Annie, till she jus' a big virago blur wearin' a house dress an' a cowgirl hat that go glug glug glug down the drain. Just like that it all over. Hat doan go down though. It just float on top.
Manager go - Shit, I hate when that happen. That toilet always ack up.... Cop say - You see this before???..... Manager jus' nod....
Cop start writin' it up... but he doan know what to say.....
I doan know if Pig Blood Annie in 'Baby Philadelphia,' but she someplace.....
<more next time>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
click PANCAKES ... to see all episodes we have up... click CUTE LITTLE BABIES ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you.
OK, this is something different. I don't glide into politics too much, but everyone on that other site (Twitter) was talking and I thought I'd share it here.
Ever think Donald Trump's foray into politics is a little like Joel Goodson's brush with pimpism in Risky Business?... What's he gonna do when that 'big' call girl , er international crisis, comes to the door?
Well, here's what we imagine... not post election, but right now... maybe tonight...
EXT - The White House... night.
INT - The long, wide, black & white hallway that runs the length of first floor... dimly lit.
VO - Shhh... Look, Mr Trump, they're all gone. Everybody's out.
VO (Trump) Where'd they go?
VO - To the mall! To the mall! To the mall! They went to the mall!... Now shut up and gimme the envelope. You got twenty minutes. Now hurry up!....
VO (Trump) Wait a minute. Wait a minute! I gotta take my pants off. Jesus Christ, you almost made me fall, you son of a bitch...
VO - Be quiet! Now hurry up!
VO (Trump) - Music, music, you said there'd be music.
We hear the iconic chords to ROCK AND ROLL NEVER FORGETS....
as our portly, orange haired hero slides out onto the polished marble tiles, clad in black knee socks, no pants, tightie-whities, a big dress shirt and red tie... and proceeds to do 'the dance'.... even humps a White House settee and breaks it...
VO - shit! shit! shit! I'm dead!
but the dancing billionaire hops up like nothing happened...
EXT - THE WHITE HOUSE ... second later...
We see his shadow, on a shade, as he goes through the gyrations...
INT - that hall.. the music.. the dancer...
We hear a key in the lock... door opens... President says - We're home! Jesus Christ! Trump! What the hell you doin'?
TIGHT SHOT of Trump's panicked face, as he yells - Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!
____________________________
OK... that's all. I think it would be a good SNL intro though....(did they once have something like this?... so what?... who cares?)
<more of our regular story next time>
click RISKY BUSINESS ... to browse every episode we have up... click ROCK AND ROLL NEVER FORGETS ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you... maybe comment YOUR idea for good SNL intro bits?
Since he first stumbled upon the necessary harmonics, Doctor Franklin has been overseeing the construction of his idealized version of eighteenth century Philadelphia. It's like an unbelievably intricate Williamsburg, but with a real functioning economy and more or less authentic to the time culture.
In the early days, residents came from prisons and chain gangs. Homeless children, collected from the streets and alleys of 'real' Philadelphia came too. And please let me add, quite willingly. Life in the new carefully constructed city was much better than what they'd have otherwise endured. They were placed with families. After twenty years, maybe one generation, the population grew naturally. Of course there were 'immigrants' from time to time. Doctor Franklin brought over many impoverished Irish refugees during and after The Famine and a few dozen Jewish children spirited out of 1930's and 1940's Europe found their way there too. Recently discovered records indicate that during the first half of the nineteenth century, small groups of slavery survivors came to the place too.
And now we have the municipality of 'Baby Philadelphia,' a red brick small city of gracious living in the manner of a bygone age, tinged with bits and pieces of the modern world. They have flush toilets, shower baths, refrigeration, modern pharmaceuticals, blood tests and body scans, as well as safe fertilizers and highly developed, organic insecticides. There's no light bulbs and little electricity, though they do have a few lively radio stations based on crystal technology... no batteries, just vibrating crystals. But in a town designed by Earth's ranking harmonics expert, what would you expect?
Most streets are tree lined. Sidewalks are brick. Small, pocket gardens have scaled down fruit trees and perhaps a few rows of vegetables. All clothing is made to order and physicians make house calls. Every block or two has a liveried errand boy, their version of a party-line.
When it's warm, adventurous children cool off in small lakes and ponds...
In many ways, this special place is William Penn's 'Greene Country Towne' perfected.
Now they have a few vampires. For how long, we'll see.
We wanted to move deeper into the tale, but repeated 'error' problems pop up every few lines. What can we say? The internet isn't as user friendly as they say.
Yet we all put up with it.
Maybe the people in 'Baby Philadelphia' have it better?
<till next time>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
click MARKET STREET ...to see all episodes we have up (almost 2,000)... click BROAD STREET ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you.
Then there came the moment when the born-witch stood before him, heaving and spiting in all her evil glory. Billy closed his eyes and waited. But the ghost from the cellar, the ghost of the little boy who did not quite survive polio stayed by him. The tiny fellow raised his chin, looked into her eyes and said - No!... That was it... just 'No!' ... And she was gone. The house was restored. All was quiet. The little spirit boy whispered in Billy's ear - It's alright. You can look now.... Billy did. He blinked, rubbed his eyes and started to laugh... She's a liar. That big dumb slob is a liar....
What the ghost boy didn't know was that HE stopped her, for no 'magic thief' can prevail against the innocent soul of a martyred child. Billy didn't know that either. Nor did the vampires. That's why they ran away with Doctor Franklin and went to 'Baby Philadelphia.'...
A few heartbeats later, Billy set the little boy up in front of the 'basement' flat screen so he could watch a monster movie marathon on the SyFy channel. Then he went upstairs to fix himself up and go out for food. Before he left, he checked the house. All was as it should be. The small, cozy library was safe. Every room was safe. Even the noxious born-witch stink was gone. He grabbed a rustic looking lanyard from the junk drawer in the kitchen and put it over his head. Edith claimed it was a hoo-doo meant to keep away all manner of evil. Maybe it was?
From the street, the house looked OK too... just a tasteful pre-Revolutionary, red brick, Philadelphia townhouse. Except for the updated kitchen, baths and family room, it was still rather authentic... gleaming hardwoods... wool area rugs... antiques... crown molding... yadda yadda yadda. Billy saw the nosy neo- yuppie-hipster couple from across the street open their door, tip-tap down the steps and disappear into an Uber car. They didn't act like anything was wrong either. Hard to tell with them. You know who should have been the vampires? They should have been the vampires. Reality is never like TV. That's just how it is.
So Billy walked down to the South Street Deli for an omelet, home fries, whole wheat toast and iced tea. That was his 'thing.' Sometimes he varied the omelet, but just that part. I don't know if it was breakfast time or dinner time. I don't know how long the ordeal with the born-witch was. I'm just a disembodied narrator... not Mister Never You Mind, or Zebulon. I'm a different one. Hello, nice to meet you. You want me to go outside and see what time it is? I will. I'll pay attention this time. I promise. But really, WHAT difference does it make? There IS no day. There IS no night. There's just sunlight and shadows. The 'day' is always there. The 'night' is always there. You face one way or you face the other. Call it what you want. The world is like that. Where YOU are and HOW you THINK about it is what counts. Schedules are for slaves.
But before I go, let me tell you something. Pig-Blood-Annie would have killed Billy, if she could. The little ghost boy prevented her from doing that... innocent essence and all. She would have ripped him limb from limb... flesh, muscle, skin, gristle, everything.
Still, the evil virago didn't leave empty handed. She 'read' the aura of the place. She felt the vibrations. She knew their past, up to a point. She knew their future. She knew where they were headed. Didn't know it was called 'Baby Philadelphia.' Didn't know the historic details, but she sensed it. Her mind and body recorded it.... And she'd do everything she could to follow them there...
Born-witches have lots of tools. Look, you know how Doctor Franklin is always experimenting with harmonics? Well, it's like her whole being 'reads' harmonics.... an extra sense few others have.
After he ate, Billy went into the CVS to get some magazines for himself and the ghost boy. On the way home, he ran into @phillyjesus (yeah, you can click it) and stopped to talk. This is the best 'Jesus' in Center City, even Saturday Night Live knows him. Billy doesn't care who's a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim. He just likes to talk and spiritual people are among the most interesting. At least that's what he thinks. You might have your own opinions. I don't care.
Now let me drift into that little shop over there and watch clueless bastards try and stuff themselves into black, leather, skinny pants. I like that. It tickles me. Wonder if shoppers realize some of the people who tried on that crap peed a little?
Pig-Blood-Annie has like a divining rod. She's walking around the city with it now, trying to find their point of departure... the vampires and Doctor Franklin and all. Ain't wearing no diarrhea stained house dress now. Looks like the stone hearted teacher, or principal, or whatever she was from Matilda. Folks jump out of her way real fast. Nobody wants to go to the 'Chokie' and who knows what kind of Chokie she imagines.
Good bye. I'm done. Damp spring days in the magical city.... That's how it is....
<more next time>
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
click HOME FRIES ... to see all of our almost 2,000 episodes up now... click NEW FRIENDS ... to join me on Twitter... please comment. thank you.
Posts
