Sunday, May 15, 2016

PIG BLOOD ANNIE Finds a Portal ... 5/15/16

So, Pig Blood Annie's been spending her time trying to find a portal to wherever it was them vampires went. She never knowed 'bout 'Baby Philadelphia.' She just knowed they gone. Got her dowsing stick. Walks around the city shakin' it up and down in front of her. Cop stops her and says - Hey, lady, you alright?...She gave him a look and said - Don't get yer balls in a snit, you God damn bastid, you...... Cop goes - What?... Two heartbeats later, he's all fetal on the sidewalk with his hands jammed down his pants cuppin' his doggie-parts and yodelin' Sole Mio... Born-witch can do that. Annie just kicks him in the ass and keeps on goin'. She want a find that portal.

Then she sees a pancake joint. Folks is sittin' inside eatin' real big, golden brown flap-jacks covered in all kinds a syrupy berries with whipped cream and all, even givin' it to babies. Place like an opium den, but for sugar. Women drinkin' sweet tea and laughin'. Booths got this orange vinyl on it. Makes high pitched fart noises when butts scoot over it on the way to the toilet... not just the toilet, but payin' the bill and leavin' too.

Annie not listenin' to the tootin'. She went in cause her dowsin' sticks start shakin'. Hostess says  - Does the lady want a seat?... Annie goes - Do the f#ck face wanna drop dead?... Hostess goes - Excuse me?.... Annie goes - Aw shaddup... Girl look like she disappear, but that not what happened. Annie suck her all down and throw a cockroach hoo-doo on her, so now she tryin' a run under the counter, the cockroach-girl, I mean. Only Annie too quick and she crunch that thing into the fake slate floor... Manager run out and say - Where Mary go??? Some guy, maybe a waiter, but I know he an ex con, 'cause pancake joints hire lot a ex cons, it like a thing they do, says - I doan know..... But he do know, 'cause he see it all. He scared. He pee a little. You can see.

Annie brush 'em both outta her way and squeeze through this skinny aisle what pass through a sittin' area on one side and like a prep counter on the other. Toilets at the end. She headin' for the lady toilet. That where it comin' from, the vibration, I mean...

Look, lemme take this time, like a commercial break, to fresh people's memories what doan know who I am. I Mister Never You Mind, the spirit of a dead Creole-Cajun gent what got dipped in hydrochloric acid. I narrate this tale from time to time. Pleased to meet choo.

Dowsin' sticks shakin' real hard. Annie goes in. Toilet empty, save for a old lady smackin' her lips on a piece a folded, unused, toilet paper. 'Blottin' her lipstick,' I think they call it. Annie's voice get real low and she go - Get you ugly face outta here, you old bitch you... Lip blottin' thing grab up her face-fixin' crap and run out.

Manager out front whisperin' to some cop. Not the other cop. This a new cop. He want him to go in and see what Annie doin' in the lady toilet. Cop say he can't do that, less he think she crazy, or suicidal, or engaged in criminal activity. They wanna stop the old lady what rush out, but she say 'lemme alone' and scram.

Everybody else in place jus' keep eatin' more sugar.  They doan care. Sugar do that to people, even the babies. They jus' wave they little fists and go 'ya ya ya.'

By the time cop finally peek in, he see special, in-door tornado suckin' up everythin' in that room, even the tile on the walls and waste basket shit and spinnin' 'round, born-witch woman Pig Blood Annie, till she jus' a big virago blur wearin' a house dress an' a cowgirl hat that go glug glug glug down the drain. Just like that it all over. Hat doan go down though. It just float on top.

Manager go - Shit, I hate when that happen. That toilet always ack up.... Cop say - You see this before???..... Manager jus' nod....

Cop start writin' it up... but he doan know what to say.....

I doan know if Pig Blood Annie in 'Baby Philadelphia,' but she someplace.....

<more next time>

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