Saturday, June 21, 2014


When they don't want to be seen, Jersey Devils have this thing they do. They swoop down low and follow the rivers skimming right over the surface. Nobody sees, 'cause it's so dark out there. First they traced along the Cooper River, then veered into the Delaware. Lights from the city twinkle off the wavelets, but that only creates more camouflage. Pin Head Mel saw the lights from one of the casinos by the water and wanted to go see. But Horsey Skeezix said - No.... Then he wanted to go to that big intersection in South Philadelphia where all the tourists go for cheesesteaks . Horsey Skeezix said they couldn't, 'cause Pin Head, unusual as he was, is still human, whereas full blooded Jersey Devils don't quite make the cut. So they turned right and headed toward The Navy Yard. Few folks on a thirty two foot cruiser out from the marina, drinkin' flavored vodka and eating seared tuna on little croissants (with fancy, homemade mayonnaise), might a seen something, but forty five percent of 'em were naked from the waist down and jumpin' around, so it don't count. Thirty four heartbeats later,  they came in over like a bulkhead, or fence thing and touched down in a private industrial quadrant where lubricated catheters are made. Due to automation and technological efficiency, not all the space is needed for navy stuff, so they rent some out. You know 'gimp?' Do your kids play with 'gimp?' Well, it comes from here. Nuclear submarines, gimp, catheters and brassieres. Something for everybody. And under it all was 'The Bureau,' a six level, subterranean complex one half the size of The Pentagon, plus here everybody has real nice, multi-colored lanyards. Some got two or three of 'em.

Now what with the underground center and all, the guards are used to strange things. One time, before she died, Ester Williams came by to have creamed herring with the merfolk. Brought two big jars she did... Guy from The Philadelphia Eagles brings new emerald green sweat suits every season. Frank Sinatra, The Beatles, Bob-Cat Goldthwait, kids from the Our Gang comedies; everybody been down there. Some still are. But they don't appreciate it when you stare.

Pin Head Mel likes riding down in the elevator. Lady with a yellow, gimp lanyard takes them. He makes eyes at her. She smiles. Somebody give Horsey Skeezix pair a white cotton gym shorts, 'cause he don't got none. Jersey Devils casual that way. Lady takes them into 'The Residence,' where doctor Franklin lives. He's sittin' in a Margaritaville Adirondack chair watching old, late night reruns of The Jack Benny Program. Most of the rooms are authentic, eighteenth century reproductions, but some are not. They got the Margaritaville Adirondack chairs from Shoprite Supermarket. Hundred bucks a piece, I think. Lady makes introductions. Doctor Franklin nods and says - What can I do for you boys?..... Horsey Skeezix gives him the old, plastic pill bottle with the note in it. Doctor Franklin unrolls it and reads. Then he sighs and goes - Well, well, well... and says - Miss Gingold, get these boys some corned beef specials..... But Horsey Skeezix says he don't eat no meat from animals what got hooves, 'cause that'd make him like a cannibal. So Pin Head Mel gets two corned beefs and the other one gets plate a fish tacos. 

Dead Vampire Tomas knows what's in that note and it makes him happy... relieved too. Look, he understands it's God who controls everything. But when He sees how much trouble certain segments of humanity are willing to go to to get him back He just might bend the rules...

<more next time>


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